Social awkwardness & a personal challenge

As a child I was painfully shy, as I got older I became more outgoing, then as my vision worsened I have become introverted again.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t have problems talking with people. When Khan and I were working together I was always stopped by strangers who wanted to ask questions or make a comment about my beautiful boy. I didn’t mind this as I enjoy conversing on a subject I am passionate about. I also enjoyed my speaking work for Guide Dogs; I have always loved public speaking especially when it relates to a topic I love.

What I find very difficult is social situations where I don’t already know everyone like parties, dinners, community functions, weddings etc. In those situations I freeze like a rabbit caught in headlights. I have often pondered what causes me to feel so uncomfortable and I think a lot of my problem is my inability to read any type of body language. Until you can’t see other people I think we under estimate how much of a conversation is non verbal.

I also worry that I have nothing useful to contribute to a conversation (unless it is about dogs, animals or guide dogs etc). I don’t have a job, children or any hobbies that are general conversation starters.

I also tend to feel other peoples awkwardness as they don’t know what to say to me. Disabilities can make people uncomfortable, some express pity, others just avoid me. Sometime they are so careful about what they say the conversation is really strained. I had one person tell me they felt awful when they casually said ‘see you later’, it worried her all evening until she came back over to apologise. I was amazed as I say things like that all the time and it certainly isn’t something I’d get upset about.

Social gatherings are often loud and crowded which I find very disorientating and mobility is so much harder in those circumstances. I try to find a quiet corner and stay out of the way, I never go out and mingle with other people.

The end result is that for many years I have shunned nearly all social situations. When I have attended family or friends 21^st’s, weddings etc I have worked myself into such a state of anxiety I become physically ill. This was really hard for my ex who could never enjoy himself as he was always worried about me. (He used to go out quite a bit by himself which was fine with me).

Now I don’t have my ex for support, social situations are going to be even harder. I know I have to force myself out of my comfort zone and back into life. I have made a promise to myself that regardless of how I feel I will accept the next three social invitations that I receive. Wish me luck; I am going to need it.